The research below is meant to rid myself of an unnecessary phobic response to cockroaches so that next time I find a cockroach crawling on me in my top-bunk dorm bed, I won’t shriek and leap off to my near death. I learned this method from a new friend from England (thank you, Laura), but have adapted it. She said she cured her fear of spiders by imitating Steve Irwin--state the scene, describe the critter and chronicle the peaceful removal of the spider from said spot of discomfort. To both our shock and awe, it worked! So, if you're like me and find yourself cringing, leaping, running or screaming at the site of any cockroach, I welcome you to join me while I mix detailed research, comforting knowledge and an exuberant Aussie accent to forever banish our cockroach creeps.

What is so scary about a cockroach anyway? Yes, they’re creepy looking pests, but more specifically, they are the most primitive winged insects still with us. They are modern day ancestors for bloody sake! They prefer warm conditions, which is why they can be found within buildings, but can survive better than cavemen in freezing temps. They’re mainly nocturnal (except for the Asian cockroach, which seems to prefer [reading] light[s in hostels]). The spines on their legs help in locomotion on difficult terrain (actually their legs have inspired robotic legs). They leave behind chemical trails in their feces, as well as emit airborne pheromones for swarming and mating (nothing a Lysol wipe can't fix). Female cockroaches may produce up to 300 to 400 offspring in a lifetime and development from eggs to adults takes apps 3-4 months. Males have been known to live for up to four years. They are often heard hissing or chirping (these sounds have regional additions and variations for mating purposes). 

Cockroaches are omnivorous (except for a few wood-eating species) and breath through the tracheae. They can remain capably active for over a month without food, but still need only very limited resources (eg. glue form postage stamps) and can go without air for over 45 minutes. Drowning them would be ineffective. They can survive even after being decapitated. They are radiant resistant…it is popularly suggested that cockroaches would inherit the earth if humanity destroys itself in a nuclear war. Cockroaches are linked to allergic reactions in humans, but nothing more dangerous than that. In fact, ethnic tribes in Southern China near the Vietnam border use cockroaches to treat ailments and energies (such as burns, heart disease, hepatitis, trauma, etc). Hm, maybe I’ll get myself some cockroach balm while I’m here. Even more, in the 1870s, many New Orleans folk had strong faith in a remedy of boiled cockroach tea (and kids, you can even try that at home). 

Point is, cockroaches are bloody cool. I'd guess, if a transformer were a bug, it’d probably be a cockroach.  

Right now I’m staring at a Japanese man that looks like a Thai celebrity (I only know that because someone told me). He’s gazing at a pensive Italian girl with wonderment. Meanwhile, I’m sandwiched between a napping Aussie and a South African bru that I think is playing footsie with me, but I can’t be sure. The sound of the slow boat motor is revving so loud, I can barely hear the jokes he might be shouting. I’ve grown fond of the sweat dripping down my back and neck at all times as it distracts me from the awkward smells of these Southeast Asian countries. Right now it’s the faint smell of tuna from a snoozing Canadian’s soggy, half-eaten sandwich. There’s a small window open about 12-feet way and outside, I can see glimpses of the Mekong River, followed by luscious green forest that seems to never end. I wish I could see more, but they overbooked our boat and our tour group was behind (beyond our control). Actually, we were informed upon arrival that the boat was oversold and we could either convince another crew to take us or somehow cram ourselves inside. We chose the latter. So here we sit, lay, stand and maneuver amongst each other in the back cargo room, with the backpacks and a slew of other worldly travelers, interspersed with a few local Laotian families. With 8-hours of floating ahead of us, we occupy ourselves with books, music, sleep or curious observation. I can't help but amused in my own thoughts of how I got here...

After nearly six days in Chiang Mai, I was feeling restless. I knew I should probably follow the masses and go to Pai, a popular tourist town just a short bus ride away, but for some unidentified reason, that direction was not tugging on my heart strings. Before I really had time to contemplate, I found myself on a mini-bus to Luang Prabang (capital of Laos) via a package deal, which involved a three day bus and slow boat ride down the Mekong River. 

DAY #1: Pleased with this spontaneous choice, I sat myself at the very back of the van like the cool kid I am and became instant buddies with the cute fellow next to me. We spent the next six hours bolstering our love of travel and seriously discussing our qualms with humanity's inability to recognize the importance of wildlife conservation, which perked up the other ten passengers for random bits of time. It was a pleasant bus ride, but I'm not sure any of us knew how well we were about to get to know each other. Our first pit stop was in Chiang Rai (Northern Thailand) to see Wat Rong Khun (The White Temple), which looks like it came down from heaven, but was touched by hell. It has to be the most beautifully intricate Buddhist temple in Thailand (out of 33,000, not bad). It’s magical, yet morbid. It has an all-white exterior (representing Buddha's purity), a mirrored trimming (symbolizing self-reflection) and a bridge (dare I say dragon sleigh?) to the entrance, which crosses over a sea of arms reaching out for help from the fiery depths of hell. It features skulls, demon heads and pop-cultural figures from the underworld, which apparently represent omens of what is to come. Inside, the temple moves from pristine to bewildering. Murals depict swirling orange flames and demon faces, interspersed with Western idols such as Michael Jackson, Neo from The Matrix, Freddy Kruger and a T-800 series Terminator. More depictions of nuclear warfare, terrorist attacks and oil pumps hammer home the destructive impact that humans have had on earth. After awhile, you get the point: humanity is undeniably wicked. 

On that realistic low note from heaven (or hell), we got back in the bus and continued on to Chiang Khong, a village just shy of the border where people stay the night before entering Laos. Of course, what should have been a night of rest and recharge became a night of wild, bonding debauchery at a place called Hub Pub, owned by Alan Bate, a boisterous English bloke that, get this, was the world record holder for fastest time to circumnavigate the world by bicycle in 2012 (106 days, 10hrs, 33 mins). Needless to say, it was a fabulous riot. The bar was full of backpackers from around the globe, all getting beautifully ripped by who? Yours truly! Why, you ask? Because at some point, Alan, his wife (celebrating her birthday) and their Dutch bartender got too drunk to choose to function so somehow I wound up behind the bar serving drinks until the wee hours. 

DAY #2: The sleeping Aussie has been replaced by a snoring German with a man bun. I've concluded the South African is definitely playing footsie with me. Everyone looks damp and hungover, except for the English girl in the corner swigging on her own bottle of Hong Kong rum. I can't help but grimace and it's my own fault. It's Halloween day, but due to our hangovers, that seems to phase no one. My butt is sore from every angle, but as uncomfortable as I’ve made everything sound, I’m still amused. My mind, body and senses are intrigued, stimulated and constantly seeking more of this breath of new, sometimes stinky air. Unwavering and content, a local Laos woman sits calmly by the small window, watching her country pass her by. I crave to see it. However, even though I am missing the outside, I feel the inside is just as much a part of this experience. Efficient travel and living (almost too much) within their means is a consistent feature of these cultures. I met a guy from Belgium who has been cycling this region for over two years since his girlfriend committed suicide. He said nothing seemed to make sense anymore so he just started pedaling. He said people here need less, want less and are demanded of less. That’s why the suicide and depression rate is so much lower. Powerful point of view from a broken Belgium man on a bicycle. 

We finally came to our place of rest for the evening…PakBang, a small Laos village along the Mekong jungle mountainside and were bombarded by business hungry locals hoping to recruit as many bedless travelers as they could for one night only. Within fifteen minutes, I was in a truck, at a guest house and drinking a cold Beerlao for just 300 baht. Could have gone cheaper, but for just $9, I had wi-fi, air con and toilet paper. What more could a girl need? We wandered over to the nearest restaurant with a cookie cutter menu, but the owner guaranteed it was, “Same same, but better.” He also claimed to have shot the buffalo in Laos with his own bow & arrow. Little did he know, he had us at the free banana whisky shots, which he made himself, of course. 


DAY #3: We arrive to the slow boat JUST in time to catch a seat in the front…literally, the last seats. Phew. After an entire day watching my fellow travelers sweat it out, now I’m ready to watch indigenous folk in their natural habitat. And oh, how culturally spectacular it is. The muddy-watered Mekong flows between voluptuous mountains, heart-stopping karsts and vibrant green, complicated rainforests gushing out the sides. I keep having jungle like urges to leap of this boat and find a way inside, but the reality is, that’s just not possible. Unless you’re an Avatar. I’ll work on it. I’m desperately keen to absorb some literary history as we float, but my LP (Lonely Planet) is never here when I need it…it's typically stuffed in the depths of Sebastian (my trusty backpack) who is busy having an orgy fest with all the other backpacks on board, like a chump. This is the final push of the voyage to Luang Prabang, which consists of another 8-hour slow boat float. Not sure what to expect upon arrival, but so far, Laos is taking my breath away.